The Difference in Work Atmospheres - Then and Now

This is how I perceive things.
When I lived on the West Coast, I was able to be myself at my jobs and I was not looked at as a bad employee because of it. I was the goof-off, not in my work, because I always did it and did it well, but I would do things like bring in an inflatable Gumby to work and everyone thought it was funny. When someone popped him, he was laid in wake on our front office table, with black "X"s sharpied over his eyes. My partner in crime was also my best friend. We were constantly doing crazy things and everyone just laughed it off.
The move out to the Midwest was a huge shock to me. People out here are so uptight at work. Like you can't have fun AND get your work done, too. And that's when I started having trouble at work. At one job, for a short period of time, my new best friend and I sat directly facing each other. We had a blast. And my friend even once did the PeeWee Herman bar dance in the middle of the aisle. And all was well. But then we got a new manager, I got into an altercation with a snotty bitch coworker, and I was separated from my friend - in fact, my entire team - and seated at the end of our aisle, right next to my boss' door, with my back to her and her facing me.
So. I think work attitudes out here just basically suck. I never was miserable at any job I had on the West Coast. Out here, everyone is so uptight and I can't stop being myself sometimes - it just leaks through - and then I am in trouble, looked down upon, etc.
I hope my new job isn't like this. They seem very laid back and I hope this is a place where I can just be me. Because I am tired of acting in the play of "worker bee" and in fact don't even think I possess the skills needed for it.
People from my state are unapproachable, passive-aggressive, and they don't reach out to be your friend if you haven't known them since preschool. The one good friend I have made out here is from my home state. The transplants are the ones I seem to get along with best.
So. This move was probably not the best move for someone like me. But... we got our house. We have our beautiful son because we were not going to have a baby until we owned a house. I understand more now why the shock of moving here turned me suicidal and landed me in a psych ward twice. It wasn't just the stress of the move, or leaving everyone I knew behind, family and friends. It was that I was now in a place that didn't accept me as me. And I couldn't adjust. I still haven't - all of the years I have been here I have always felt the need to pretend to be somebody I am not.
Now that I have found "my people", now that I have seen that there are others out there struggling like I am to fit into this uptight state's behavioral requirements, I feel freed. I will go to my job tomorrow, and be my best, hardworking self, but I WILL be my OWN self. If they don't like it, they can let me go. I can't play the game anymore. I am a package deal - me and my eccentricities. I am actually quite fun if you just loosen up a little and see me as I am.

Aspies can't lie?

It has been a long-held belief that people on the spectrum can't lie. I can't remember the reasoning behind this. Something to do with "theory of mind"? Anyhow, it's not true. At least not in my case.
Think of it. People like me who have worked very hard to fit in to society's norm are always lying. Because we're acting, which is a form of lying. We are behaving in ways that go against what we really want to do because we learn that acting the way we want to act gets us bullied, laughed at, sidelined. So we put on a disguise and go out into the world and pretend to be a regular person. I actually really respect those who refuse to playact and make their own way in the world. I chose to act as normal as possible.
It took me a while to figure it out. Elementary School was nightmarish in that I was constantly bullied and treated like dirt. By middle school I was a tad better off, but still the target of bullying. My saving grace was a group of wonderful girls who took me in as one of their own and who acted as a buffer from the bullies. And from them I learned how to act the part of a normal girl.
By High School I was not only an accomplished actress but also a damned good liar. To this day I can look at someone with my trustworthy big brown  eyes and lie straight to their face. I spent a lot of time honing this skill in HS when I became a rebel and had to lie to my parents often about my whereabouts and doings. In fact, I was at my most real in HS, because I had stopped worrying about looking and acting normal and instead simply rebelled against all that was expected. It helped that I went to a private catholic school in HS because there were so many phony, stuck up, rich snobs there that I really had no choice but to rebel.
So. My whole life I have had to lie; about who I am, what I am, and hide the real me inside.
I've come out of hiding now. Yes, I have to act appropriately in public, but my idea of "appropriate" may not jibe with what others consider appropriate.
This is another reason I think Asperger's is different from HFASD. I think Aspies can lie and do so quite well. HFASD on the other hand don't seem to learn how to "act" like  we do. They are always genuinely themselves. I admire that, but it also makes their lives more difficult than those of us who learn to act and lie. Or maybe it doesn't? Maybe they are the lucky ones because they never get buried in false personas - they remain true to themselves regardless of the consequences.
 

A Job... I Have a Job!!!!!!!

It's part-time. The hours are perfect, so I can be home to get M onto the bus and be home when he gets off the bus. During the summer I can drop him off at camp and pick him up. No weekends or holidays. Totally casual dress. Now the thing is, will I be successful? I already called the guy at the employment assistance center to let him know I got a job but I still want him to work with me because part of what they do is assist in "job retention". I will be working mostly on price sheets, keeping them up to date on Excel. I am cautiously excited. I start Monday!

Melatonin - who would have guessed?

Probably me, I suppose. We've been giving it to M since someone told us about it when he was about 6 and we were going crazy trying to get him to go to bed and stay in bed for as long as he had outgrown his "cage (crib)". He would get out of his bed and come out at least 3 times a night. The first couple of times we would walk him back in, tuck him in, kiss him goodnight, but after a couple more times the same night we'd be losing our temper and yelling at the kid to "GO TO SLEEP!!"
The first time we gave him melatonin he went to bed and stayed in bed and fell asleep. I thought it was a fluke and wouldn't last, but it did. We've bumped his dosage as he's grown, but he sleeps well now. The guilt I feel over all those nights when we got so mad at M for not sleeping, and it wasn't his fault....
Last night when M was taking his melatonin I asked him for a couple of pills. Now, I've had sleep problems my entire life. My DX now probably explains why. Many people on the ASD Spectrum don't make enough of their own melatonin to help their bodies sleep. I've been relying on sleeping pills for years.
Anyhow - I took then, and within 1/2 hour I was zonked and could barely make it to bed. I slept! with no sleeping pills! I slept well! I woke up feeling refreshed (for once)!. And it only took me 2 months to get the idea to try this. I'm such a dork!
It makes sense that if my son got his Asperger's from me that we would both have sleep troubles for the same reason. Gods - I went my whole young life not sleeping well or at all, and if they had known about melatonin then... oh well, that is past. I'm excited though, because the idea of not needing sleeping pills every night is just - well - exciting!

My Peeps!!

I went to a meetup for Aspies/high-functioning autistics for the first time tonight and met people JUST LIKE ME!! It was wonderful!! I felt like ET when his family came to take him home. I LOVE this!! Plus I found out about another place that specifically helps Aspies/HFASD people to find and retain jobs! I am over the moon right now. I have a lot to process.

No More Wallowing

I've been wallowing in self-pity. And I'm tired of it.
So here are the facts.
I don't have a job and don't know if I will be able to get one due to the fact that I got fired from my last job, have a recent bankruptcy on my record, and I have time constraints: I probably could have a job by now if I didn't have to make sure M got up in the morning and onto a bus at 8:45 AM. Most of the places that have shown an interest want someone who can start work at 7 or 8. Hubby has a good, solid (for the moment) job that starts at 5AM every day. We can't monkey with his job - he has been the main breadwinner for quite some time.
When summer comes, my mother was nice enough to pay for M to go to summer camp so he was not a couch potato every day if we were both working. Camp starts at 9, so still then, I need a later start time.
We have been trying to work with our bank since our financial situation went to hell and they finally came up with a plan to lower our monthly payments by about $300.00 a month. This helps.
I have an appointment tomorrow with my new career counselor and he will determine if I am eligible for their services.
I don't really want a job at this moment. I want to write. So I am going to write while I wait this through.
M thinks that I am upset that I got this DX and thinks that is why I am frantic and frightened and feeling sorry for myself. That's not really the case, because all along I expected the DX to be what it is.
He looks up to me and his dad. He needs me to be strong and show him that Aspies CAN get along well in life and that I can be optimistic that things will work out somehow. He needs to see me handling life however it is thrown at me or he won't believe he has the strength to be an adult with Asperger's.
So. Enough. Right here and now I choose to get on with my life, whatever it gives me, and deal. Stop the pity party. Show my son that hey, life craps on you and you wash yourself up and move along. Period.
Now I am going to go write. While my mother has spent the last 6+ months telling me what a piece of crap I am (for several reasons, but mostly because we were going broke and it was apparently my fault, and also because I think she is going bat-shit crazy), my father has been telling me, this is your opportunity. You've always wanted to write, so write.
I've spent over a month feeling crappy about everything. And I'm done with that. I'm writing. And I'm volunteering. And when the right job comes along, I will know. I am not at the mercy of the world - I am in charge of my own life. I'm taking that back. I should have never tossed it away. But it's mine again. I'm back. And if anyone tries to take control of my life, they can get f*cked.
 

Holding Pattern

I sit here day after day and wait for something to happen; the phone to ring about an application I submitted, or waiting to go to an appointment, waiting for my son and hubby to come home - WAITING.
I finally talked to my counselor from the Workforce Center. I go in this Thursday to meet with him and then it takes up to 60 days for them to determine if I am eligible for their services. I've already been dumped by Unemployment Resources. I guess I could always call them back if things don't work out at the WC.
There are tons of things I could be doing while I am home. I could clean the house. I do the dishes and laundry. I scoop up huge balls of dog hair when I find it.
I could be getting rid of all of the excess crap in this house. I feel too overwhelmed when I think of that so I do nothing. I just finished watching the complete Buffy series for the second time and also am getting to the end of Supernatural.
I walk the dog each day. I force myself to.
I actually went and got my hair cut today along with an  eyebrow and moustache wax. I actually went to Walgreen's, one of the stores I can go to without panicking. I felt quite productive today.
I have been applying for jobs. I have had phone interviews and even some in-person interviews. I feel like I flub them all up. I go in there, smile, make eye contact, say the right thing, and walk out and think, "they won't hire me". So far I've been right.
So. I hate this. Most of the time I sit in front of my computer and watch Netflix or go on Facebook or check my emails.
I do have a few things to look forward to. Tomorrow I have an interview at a temp agency. Friday I am going to my first meetup for adults with Asperger's. I'm hoping I feel like I belong there. I also have the Employment Resources meeting. And next Thursday I meet with my psychologist for the first time since my DX, when we can start getting down to business on my brain.
So there's that.
I'm volunteering at the Autism Society every Saturday helping an art teacher work with 3 very sweet little Aspies.
So tell me this. Why do I feel so helpless, hopeless, and alone? I mean, I guess I know the reason. It's not like I haven't felt this way many times in my life. But right now I feel at the mercy of an agency that may or may not choose to help me find work, and I am at the mercy of every company I apply to, whether they choose to give me a chance at a job or not.
I hate being out of control of my life. And yes, I always am, I know that intellectually, but when I have a job and am feeling useful, it gives me the illusion of being in control. Right now nothing seems in my control. It's pretty discouraging.