I have a theory about why my life went so crazy.
All my life, I have been constructing a carefully designed foundation of normalcy - my personality, my competencies, the way I wanted people to see me.
When I had M (my son), that was the first crack in my foundation. Stress from raising my difficult Aspie child started chipping away at the whole "me" I had created to fit into the life I believed I had to fit into.
And then - years of fighting the school district to get M into the right school setting - years that brought out the Monster Bitch From Hell, which was never part of my carefully assembled package - caused everything to tumble like dominoes - my home life, my work life, my whole person. I could not keep the façade up any longer.
What I didn't realize until my DX was that all I was WAS a façade. A cardboard cutout of whom I thought I needed to be - the star pupil, the star employee, the one everyone could count on to be reliable.
I hate being reliable. I used to love being the star employee but it came with such a price, a price of spending too much time not being true to myself.
But I don't know who I am, really. Not anymore.
I am a mother, and for all intent and purpose a pretty decent one.
I am a wife. I haven't been a great wife, but I have done my best.
A worker? What sort of work do I want to do?
I took the SMART test which was supposed to narrow down my interests into easy categories from which a job could be selected that fit the "real me" and I could train for that job and become that employee.
My SMART test just showed how truly complicated things are in my head. Nothing showed up as a strong point, although I had many weak points.
I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I am waiting for a phone call from my Disabilities Job Assistance counselor. I am going over and over in my head the jobs I have held in my life and which I truly enjoyed and which I only thought I enjoyed. Does that make sense? I don't know. I only know that I have been working in Customer Service for most of my career and I scored very low on my interest in Customer Service on my SMART test. I actually hate ringing phones. I hate being interrupted by phone calls when I am focusing on something else. I only did it for so long because it looks so good on my resume - all of my experience. But the best jobs I have help in my opinion were those where I was not in a phone queue, waiting for calls. I was once working for a sign company designing signs. I loved that. I had a customer service job that wasn't really customer service - it was more like quality auditing. I enjoyed that, but my boss was a bitch. I worked in quality auditing and was tucked away in a quiet cubicle and my boss trusted me completely to get my job done and I excelled at that job. No interruptions. No phone calls.
So what sort of job does the "Real Me" want? It's hard to determine since I am still sorting the real me from the façade I have constructed and tried to hold together for over 40 years.
This not knowing, this needing to sift through my life to find my true pieces and discard the false parts frustrates me, and I am impatient about it and want it to happen quickly. I know it won't. I hate waiting but I know I am in a holding pattern now as I work with my job counselor (if he ever calls me) and my psychologist to determine who I really am.
I wish I could toss everything aside and start with a fresh foundation. There's a house down the street from us that was torn down and rebuilt from the beginning. Across the street from us is a house that is being completely remodeled. It is taking twice as long as the rebuilt house, and every day there are different people there - electrical workers, painters, appliance deliverymen. I am like the house across the street when I want to be like the house down the street where I can strip everything away and simply start over. But part of my life is genuine and I can't tear it all down. So I need to rebuild the time-consuming way, keeping what works and repairing or replacing what does not. This overwhelms me to the point where I feel like I can't move at all. I hope that the help I am trying to get will give me the tools I need to remodel myself.
All my life, I have been constructing a carefully designed foundation of normalcy - my personality, my competencies, the way I wanted people to see me.
When I had M (my son), that was the first crack in my foundation. Stress from raising my difficult Aspie child started chipping away at the whole "me" I had created to fit into the life I believed I had to fit into.
And then - years of fighting the school district to get M into the right school setting - years that brought out the Monster Bitch From Hell, which was never part of my carefully assembled package - caused everything to tumble like dominoes - my home life, my work life, my whole person. I could not keep the façade up any longer.
What I didn't realize until my DX was that all I was WAS a façade. A cardboard cutout of whom I thought I needed to be - the star pupil, the star employee, the one everyone could count on to be reliable.
I hate being reliable. I used to love being the star employee but it came with such a price, a price of spending too much time not being true to myself.
But I don't know who I am, really. Not anymore.
I am a mother, and for all intent and purpose a pretty decent one.
I am a wife. I haven't been a great wife, but I have done my best.
A worker? What sort of work do I want to do?
I took the SMART test which was supposed to narrow down my interests into easy categories from which a job could be selected that fit the "real me" and I could train for that job and become that employee.
My SMART test just showed how truly complicated things are in my head. Nothing showed up as a strong point, although I had many weak points.
I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I am waiting for a phone call from my Disabilities Job Assistance counselor. I am going over and over in my head the jobs I have held in my life and which I truly enjoyed and which I only thought I enjoyed. Does that make sense? I don't know. I only know that I have been working in Customer Service for most of my career and I scored very low on my interest in Customer Service on my SMART test. I actually hate ringing phones. I hate being interrupted by phone calls when I am focusing on something else. I only did it for so long because it looks so good on my resume - all of my experience. But the best jobs I have help in my opinion were those where I was not in a phone queue, waiting for calls. I was once working for a sign company designing signs. I loved that. I had a customer service job that wasn't really customer service - it was more like quality auditing. I enjoyed that, but my boss was a bitch. I worked in quality auditing and was tucked away in a quiet cubicle and my boss trusted me completely to get my job done and I excelled at that job. No interruptions. No phone calls.
So what sort of job does the "Real Me" want? It's hard to determine since I am still sorting the real me from the façade I have constructed and tried to hold together for over 40 years.
This not knowing, this needing to sift through my life to find my true pieces and discard the false parts frustrates me, and I am impatient about it and want it to happen quickly. I know it won't. I hate waiting but I know I am in a holding pattern now as I work with my job counselor (if he ever calls me) and my psychologist to determine who I really am.
I wish I could toss everything aside and start with a fresh foundation. There's a house down the street from us that was torn down and rebuilt from the beginning. Across the street from us is a house that is being completely remodeled. It is taking twice as long as the rebuilt house, and every day there are different people there - electrical workers, painters, appliance deliverymen. I am like the house across the street when I want to be like the house down the street where I can strip everything away and simply start over. But part of my life is genuine and I can't tear it all down. So I need to rebuild the time-consuming way, keeping what works and repairing or replacing what does not. This overwhelms me to the point where I feel like I can't move at all. I hope that the help I am trying to get will give me the tools I need to remodel myself.
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