I think about my actions these days. I mull over my thoughts. I consider "Is this the real me, or is this the false me I've been living in all these years?" many times a day.
These parts are the real me, because I have always owned these parts...
I am impatient.
I want things my way and find it difficult to give in to doing things someone else's way.
I am lost.
I am frustrated and angry with other people for being stupid, narrow-minded, bullies, and bad drivers.
I myself am not the best driver.
I hate hate HATE surprises. Tell me in advance. Don't just drop it in my lap.
I can't stand being in a crowd of people.
I can't stand trying to talk to just one person I don't know well.
I hate small talk and find it pointless.
I hate even going to the movies because one trollhead who talks during the movie will ruin the whole experience for me.
I sometimes want to punch people in the face when they annoy me.
So I noticed that the pieces I listed are all negatives. I decided to challenge myself to find real pieces of myself that are positives, too, because I can't be all bad at my core......
I love writing and have been told I am a creative and good writer by more than one teacher.
I love singing, and I sing decently.
I love reading, and I was a quick learner in school and I devoured books like I could never get enough.
I care for other people. I feel for the mistreated, the bullied, the underdogs. Because I identify with them.
I stand up for these people and even sometimes try to help them.
I have a very, very sensitive soul. This may be a negative. I'm not sure.
I don't care about fashion or shoes or purses or even makeup. This, too, may be a negative.
I love animals and feel a special connection to them. But then I eat animals. Another negative?
I have been told I am very smart.
The rest of me? That's where I still need to sort....
The years I spent being the "star employee", "Boss' pet", the one everyone could rely upon, the one who came up with new ideas that my bosses loved and put into action - I'm not sure that was really me. I think it was a persona that fell away because I haven't been a boss' dream in many years.
The person who wanted other kids' approval and would do anything for it. That's actually probably the real me. That makes me ashamed of myself.
The person who went out for drinks and dancing with friend when the music was too loud and I never could dance. But I wanted friends.
The person who has self-medicated in so many different ways over the years - real, but why? Because I couldn't understand what was real about me and had to just zone out to get through life?
FACTS:
I am a mother. And from how my son is growing up, I seem to be doing okay at that.
I am a wife. This has been more difficult for me and any man besides Hubby would have walked away years ago. I am a challenging person to live with.
I am a person who grew up not knowing that she had Asperger's and not knowing why she never fit in.
I am a person with Asperger's.
I am alive, and I can take care of myself (this may not be true; I've never lived alone).
I love my dog, and before I developed an allergy to cats, I loved my cats.
I grew up in a beautiful part of the country, never wanting for anything, and didn't appreciate it until I left that area and had to fend for myself (with my husband's help).
Probably my biggest mistake was moving away from where I grew up to where I live now.
Probably the best thing I ever did was move away from where I grew up so we could afford a home so we could have a child, because Hubby and I didn't want a child until we had a proper home. So I never would have had M.
So that's it. Pieces of myself. Figuring out which pieces are real, which are personas I buried my true self under, and if they were, do they serve me well or stifle me?
These parts are the real me, because I have always owned these parts...
I am impatient.
I want things my way and find it difficult to give in to doing things someone else's way.
I am lost.
I am frustrated and angry with other people for being stupid, narrow-minded, bullies, and bad drivers.
I myself am not the best driver.
I hate hate HATE surprises. Tell me in advance. Don't just drop it in my lap.
I can't stand being in a crowd of people.
I can't stand trying to talk to just one person I don't know well.
I hate small talk and find it pointless.
I hate even going to the movies because one trollhead who talks during the movie will ruin the whole experience for me.
I sometimes want to punch people in the face when they annoy me.
So I noticed that the pieces I listed are all negatives. I decided to challenge myself to find real pieces of myself that are positives, too, because I can't be all bad at my core......
I love writing and have been told I am a creative and good writer by more than one teacher.
I love singing, and I sing decently.
I love reading, and I was a quick learner in school and I devoured books like I could never get enough.
I care for other people. I feel for the mistreated, the bullied, the underdogs. Because I identify with them.
I stand up for these people and even sometimes try to help them.
I have a very, very sensitive soul. This may be a negative. I'm not sure.
I don't care about fashion or shoes or purses or even makeup. This, too, may be a negative.
I love animals and feel a special connection to them. But then I eat animals. Another negative?
I have been told I am very smart.
The rest of me? That's where I still need to sort....
The years I spent being the "star employee", "Boss' pet", the one everyone could rely upon, the one who came up with new ideas that my bosses loved and put into action - I'm not sure that was really me. I think it was a persona that fell away because I haven't been a boss' dream in many years.
The person who wanted other kids' approval and would do anything for it. That's actually probably the real me. That makes me ashamed of myself.
The person who went out for drinks and dancing with friend when the music was too loud and I never could dance. But I wanted friends.
The person who has self-medicated in so many different ways over the years - real, but why? Because I couldn't understand what was real about me and had to just zone out to get through life?
FACTS:
I am a mother. And from how my son is growing up, I seem to be doing okay at that.
I am a wife. This has been more difficult for me and any man besides Hubby would have walked away years ago. I am a challenging person to live with.
I am a person who grew up not knowing that she had Asperger's and not knowing why she never fit in.
I am a person with Asperger's.
I am alive, and I can take care of myself (this may not be true; I've never lived alone).
I love my dog, and before I developed an allergy to cats, I loved my cats.
I grew up in a beautiful part of the country, never wanting for anything, and didn't appreciate it until I left that area and had to fend for myself (with my husband's help).
Probably my biggest mistake was moving away from where I grew up to where I live now.
Probably the best thing I ever did was move away from where I grew up so we could afford a home so we could have a child, because Hubby and I didn't want a child until we had a proper home. So I never would have had M.
So that's it. Pieces of myself. Figuring out which pieces are real, which are personas I buried my true self under, and if they were, do they serve me well or stifle me?
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